Wedding Gifts for Marriages You Totally Know Won’t Work Out

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If you’ve been been distracted lately by the world falling apart, you may not know that Mariah Carey and the guy from Drumline are (allegedly) splitting up.

I know, I know, take a second if you have to.

When I see a marriage dissolve this way, I can’t help but wonder if the guests at the Carey/Guy from Drumline wedding knew the union was doomed from the start. Since I don’t get invited to many weddings because my face exudes pure sadness, I wouldn’t know. But I do know what a magic moment it is to present lovestruck newlyweds with a gift for their new life. But what about the other couples? Ya know, the ones that ruin parties by yelling about board game rules? They probably deserve something, right? Here are my tips on buying wedding gifts for couples that have no business getting married to each other.

Kleenex® Cool Touch Moisturizing Tissues

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Fall allergies come shortly after the summer wedding season comes to a close, so a box of strong, moisturizing Kleenex is always appreciated. They’re also great for dinner parties or if someone gets a haircut and the other person doesn’t notice, and it’s apparently a big goddamn deal.

Moleskine Notebooks

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Portable notebooks are great for newlyweds that like to write Pro & Con lists about each other and read them late at night when they can’t sleep. But always attach a note reminding the couple not to leave them around! Also, “Doesn’t make me orgasm” shouldn’t just be a con for your spouse, ya know? Like making love is a group act. You can’t just lay there. Plus, no one is that good at sex in college, Erica.

Small, Portable Picture Frames

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These classy, miniature picture frames make it easy to carry around or hide a photo of someone that moved to Seattle for a job, but made you truly feel alive one summer.

Couple’s CrossFit Intro Class

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Fitness classes are a great way to ward off post-wedding weight gain. Plus, regular exercise releases serotonin, which helps your mood when you realize your spouse’s dream of a career in woodworking is no longer charming.

Pre-Paid Gas Cards

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Gas station gift cards are a much classier gift than cash. And they’re convenient for impromptu road trips with your dog to tell your parents they were right.

Wine

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Therapy

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My parents once told me that couples that fight are the ones that love each other enough to stick around. So who knows? Maybe your friend and that bounty hunter are the ones that’ll make it work, and chances are therapy could help make that happen. But get the secular kind, none of that church therapy. Like, what would a priest know about love? He doesn’t even get how weird genitals are.

So there you have it! Seven great gift options to bring to a wedding you already have to buy a holiday weekend flight for. But in the end, your friends are the only people that can decide who they spend their lives with. And though you may not approve, they will love these gifts just like I would if I’d married that girl that regularly talked about her fear of the rapture.

Tim Dunn is an alum of the Second City Training Center. He performs regularly with his comedy band The Shock T’s, hosts the podcast “The Nerdologues Present: Talking Games with Tim & Clayton,” has performed at iO and in the sketch group ATV. Also, he writes jokes about anxiety on Twitter: @TimothyRDunn.

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