The Undocumented Children Crisis: SOLVED!
1. Central American Children Are the New China Baby
Quit outsourcing your adoption needs when we’ve got perfectly good children practically begging, no literally begging at your doorstep.
2. Massive Kids’ Talent Show
For fun! Also, to see who we keep.
3. Get the guy who raised $70,000 on Kickstarter to Make Potato Salad to Make Potato Salad for 70,000
Dude, this is your chance– to get all those protesters off your back; also plenty of practice to perfect your potato salad recipe.
4. Let the Cartels Invade Cancun
Once America’s popular holiday destination for the overprivileged, Cancun is no longer safe. Watch those lobbyists turn their attention from deporting the refugees to deporting the refugees with gold-plated, bullet-proof tanks to take back the Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville that was lost. They’re like diamond-encrusted Contras!
5. Send Back Bieber
Perfect time to lose some dead weight.
6. Send Back the Predator
He loves Cartels!
7. Change the name of “Undocumented Children” to “Undocumented Miniature Adults”
No Convention of the Rights of the Miniature Adult. Also “Miniature Adult” sounds less “cute.”
8. Have Them Use the Buddy System on Their Way Back
Where’s your buddy? Find your buddy! Oh, he’s been abducted and is now part of Human Trafficking? Um… run.
9. Feed the Children to the Blood Witch
She will smile on us with her favour and finally grant us the Magicks necessary to defeat all competitors at the next World Cup!
10. Be Really Careful and Document Everyone Coming In and Let This Be the Most Successful Immigration and Naturalization, Increasing the American Workforce Through Job Creation on Border Patrol, Immigration, and Work Reassignment of the Refugees Throughout the Nation, Getting Them Social Security Numbers as Soon as Possible to Bridge the Gap of the Baby Boomer Generation and Preventing the Collapse of Social Security
Just a thought I had on the toilet.
Eric Schinzer is a comedian and improviser in Chicago. He is part of Second City at Sea and performs with the sketch duo Battlemasters. Please follow him on Twitter @Schinzer or, at the very least, make fun of @danielstrauss #gotcha.