That Trump Tower Sign is the Least of Chicago’s Ugly Problems

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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has been making a lot of headlines lately after daring to engage/enrage Donald Trump. The men are at odds over the 20-foot-high letters that spell out T-R-U-M-P emblazoned on the side of Chicago’s 96-story Trump International Hotel and Tower, which the mayor called “architecturally tasteless.”

Listen, Mayor. I KNOW those dad jeans I saw you in that one time were ironic. You know what’s classy, sir. And I couldn’t agree more with you.

In fact, I read the Chicago Tribune this morning— and I was APPALLED by so much more than that yucky sign. Here are some other areas of the city that we need to rally together to make prettier ASAP, as shown by these actual quotes from today’s edition, Sunday, June 22nd, 2014.

About 10:10 p.m. someone shot and killed a 15-year-old boy and wounded a 16-year-old boy on the corner of 109th Place and Perry Avenue on the Far South Side.

Oh my god. This is so awful. The amount of architecturally tasteless yellow crime scene tape that’s probably festooning that neighborhood is just unimaginable. My heart goes out to the community during this ugly time.

The most recent homicide left a 23-year-old man dead in the Englewood neighborhood about 3 a.m. Police found the man on his back, next to an open car door, in the 7200 block of South Wentworth Avenue.

Um… an OPEN car door? What is this, a tailgate? Have these people never heard of DOORING? This is a serious problem when people on bikes get hit by car doors. I move that the city makes open car doors illegal immediately, otherwise we’re going to have piles and piles of messed-up bikes sullying the city’s beautiful bike lanes. 

Earlier today, in the city’s Morgan Park neighborhood, a 23-year-old man was shot to death… Preliminary information said two groups of people were gathered on the block at about 4:45 p.m. when shots were fired, police said. People ran in several directions and the victim was left on the ground, police said.

Not one, but two groups of people. And groups of people are notorious for littering. I bet there were Gatorade bottles and gum wrappers everywhere. How soon can a clean-up crew get there with those garbage poker picker-up things?

A 14-year-old was found wounded overnight at 115th Street and Parnell Avenue in the West Pullman neighborhood.

Was found. Abandoned. Like a piece of garbage. Littering isn’t cool. See above.

Someone shot a 55-year-old man multiple times in the Fuller Park neighborhood. The man was outside in the 300 block of West 42nd Place when someone got out of a white minivan and fired toward the man.

I’m going off topic for a sec, but unless that minivan was a food truck, there’s a real problem here. CHICAGO NEEDS MORE FOOD TRUCKS!

A 22-year-old man walked into Swedish Covenant Hospital with a gunshot wound to his face about 6:30 p.m. Saturday. He had been shot near Lawrence and Avers avenues in the Albany Park neighborhood, police said.

Sometimes, it makes people really uncomfortable to look at people who are facially disfigured. Didn’t you read that story last week about that little girl who was kicked out of a KFC because her injuries sustained during a pit bull attack were too icky for the people EATING KFC FOOD to stomach? Chicago should probably just ban ugly people. Civilized places, like Sweden, do it. 

About 6:10 p.m., a store clerk suffered a gunshot wound to the leg during a robbery on the 2600 block of north Kedzie Avenue in the Logan Square neighborhood, police said. 

It doesn’t specify, but I’m guessing it was some type of convenience store, where they sell snacks. I don’t know about you, but I DO NOT want to look at blood while I’m eating a hot dog! GROSS! Talk about tasteless!!!

So while police say that nobody is in custody for any of yesterday/this morning’s shootings, the very least we can do for our great city is to clean all these messes up right away. Take that tacky Trump Tower sign down!

Liz Kozak (Editor-in-Chief) read the news over coffee this morning in Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood. Follow her on Twitter @LizKoz

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