Top 10 Match.com Responses in Martha Stewart’s Inbox

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10. “I don’t mean to be forward, but there’s a fitted sheet in my bedroom that could use a proper folding.”

9. “How about you, me, and an afternoon stroll through Jo-Ann Fabrics? Let’s stitch ourselves up a crafternoon to remember.”

8. “Typing is such a strange sensation for me. I normally write in calligraphy on vellum.”

7. “I could be under house arrest with you all day… and all night.”

6. “I consider the low yield of soil in the Côte de Nuits subregion of Burgundy, making for only 1.63 hectares of vineyard available for the production of bottles of Romanée-Conti, to be a travesty. That’s why I only drink the blood of 71-year-old lifestyle moguls.”

5. “I’d like to introduce you to the Good Thing in my Nantucket Reds.”

4. “I firmly believe in the right to bear arms. If they take away our glue guns, then how are we supposed to protect ourselves and our children from MEDIOCRITY and UNSECURED SEQUINS?”

3. “There’s only so much you can learn from an online profile. We should meet in person, so we can learn more insider information about each other.”

2. “A typical day for me includes putting the finishing touches on my restored French farmhouse, assembling a quail egg wreath and chiseling cherub sculptures out of Camembert. Also, are you into gay guys?”

1. “Allow me the honor of oh-so-gently tossing your Seven-Layer Salad, m’lady.”

 

Kate Lambert has written and acted in shorts featured on such sites as The Huffington Post, MTV, Cosmopolitan, Perez Hilton, Feministing, PoliticusUSA, College Humor, and Italy’s Vanity Fair. She is a member of the sketch group Cell Camp and the improv groups The Katydids, Virgin Daiquiri, and The Armando Diaz Experience at the iO Theater.www.katelambert.com

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