How to Thank Walgreens for Staying in the U.S.

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While investors may be pissed at Walgreens for not saving them boatloads of money by moving their operations overseas, we owe a big thank you to the Illinois-based company for hanging around and bringing more money into our economy. So, head immediately to your local Walgreens and show your patriotic appreciation with one of our suggestions below.

Drink a 6-pack of Big Flats Immediately

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Purchasing Walgreen’s specially-brewed house beer is like a huge “you guys rock.” It’s okay if you drink it during work–the stuff has little to no alcohol value. Can’t stand the taste? Pretend each swallow is adding a penny to our economy.

Get a flu shot at the Walgreen clinic

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Sure, it’s summer, but the on-site doctor could use a break from helping stock milk in the back. Even better, they sometimes give you coupons for Band-Aids after you get the injection!

Stop by the “Produce” section

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Yes, the fruit isn’t the ripest and the sandwiches look funky, but Walgreens prides itself on its “fresh” food section. So grab something perishable–for America!

Get a back massage in that awkward new spa area

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You’ve been avoiding the desperate masseuse handing out massage coupons for months now. Show your love, and let her hands work out your knots.  You can browse the coupon booklet through the face hole mid-massage. Saving time and money!

Try to figure out how their points system works

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Balance Rewards members get points and rewards! We just don’t know how. Read  the fine print on their website to figure out how to save money and help their complicated points system flourish.

Put your unwanted products back where you got them

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These guys just promised to keep more Americans working! The least you can do is not leave the Duck Dynasty Chia Pet you changed your mind about over by the diapers, y’all!

 

Andrew Thorp is a writer, director and performer in Chicago. He is the Marketing Manager at The Second City Training Center – Chicago, teaches Teen/Youth improv, sketch writing and stand-up and produces comedy shows via Thorpedo Productions.

 

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