Tea Party Tips for Better Sex

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We’ve all been there.

After 30 years of marriage to the same angry old white person, the flames of romance and sensual liberty are getting more difficult to keep burning. You’ve tried it all: missionary, missionary in the dark, missionary with the lights on, missionary with a dimmer switch, with your eyes open… everything.

But no matter how tightly you cling to tradition, you’re both worried that your sex life is on a doomed path to Sodom & Gomorrah.

Fear not! Let the Hottest Party in Politics– The Tea Party– become your road map the sexual freedom our Founding Fathers always wanted you to have. Think of it as a patriotic Kama Sutra. Except don’t call it “Comma Suitra,”, because that sounds too much like an Al-Kyduh turrurist.

Check out this tried-and-truthy advice, courtesy of America’s Angry Right. Presenting the Tea Party’s tips for better sex.

Problem #1: Your partner wants to do something you’re not comfortable with.

Solution: Negotiate! And by negotiate, we mean immediately shut them down and call them a Muslim sex terrorist. If they don’t instantly cave and agree to reduce the amount of sexual activities you two will spend time on, then begin nonsensically reading Dr. Seuss books and talking about Ayn Rand’s collectivism and how that means your partner is lazy and you should never be responsible for their orgasm.

If this tactic shuts down the bedroom, that’s a good thing, because it means that while you’re not sexually satisfied, neither is your partner. And we all know the only thing more erotic than sexual satisfaction is bitter, angry, ice-cold solitude.

 

Problem #2: Your partner is unable to perform.

Solution: Scream at them to Never Forget how sexy they are. Or, get creative and use props! Massage your partner with a tiny American flag or that pocket Constitution you bought at that fireworks outlet store in Indiana. If this doesn’t work, try fetish clothing. Put on a crying Mt. Rushmore bomber jacket or that T-shirt you bought at Glenn Beck’s book signing for his novel, The Overton Window.

If you want to get really kinky, try some role-playing. Put on a tri-corner hat covered in Lipton tea and say you’re Paul Revere and that the British are definitely coming.

 

Problem #3: You are unable to perform.

Solution: Log onto the internet, Google “sexual dysfunction,” find a medical message board that seems reputable and has lots of good, concise information, and then proceed to call Obama the anti-Christ in the comments section over and over again until you get banned.

If that doesn’t turn you on, try watching YouTube videos of poor minorities being arrested.

 

Problem #4: Your partner wants to take dirty pictures/videos.  

Solution: Do it! Try fun poses like “The Statue of Liberty,” or “Washington Crossing the Delaware.” For maximum sexiness, roll in a wheelchair-bound World War II vet, or any extremely old man who looks like he’s cold/Seen Some Shit, and scream “THIS MAN STORMED NORMANDY!” while your partner takes tons of pictures of you with him. Immediately upload to Xtube.

 

Problem #5: Your partner wants to bring in other people into the bedroom.

Solution:  If your special guest star is poor or a minority, reject this idea outright by saying Jihad is being waged on your Christian libido. If the third in your ménage-a-freedom looks like they could be poor or a minority, but you can’t tell for sure, then force them to produce a complex series of photo IDs. Claim that a lot of lazy guest stars game the system and make you responsible for their orgasms, and you’re trying to reduce fraud.

Finally, if it’s a rich white man in a suit, shave everything and immediately cover yourself in baby oil and thank him profusely for doing the sex with you.

 

Problem #6: Your partner is a gay man, and you are, too.

Solution: Marcus Bachmann! Put down the ball gag, say goodbye to Pablo, and go home to Michele. She thinks your relationship is in the End Times.

 

Problem #7: Your partner is Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

Solution: Girl, I am so, so  sorry.

 

Problem #8: You don’t want to use a condom, but your partner’s employer doesn’t cover birth control in her health insurance plan.

Solution: Quietly sign her up for Obamacare, but hate every minute of it.

John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins

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