The Case for Suing Barack Obama

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John Boehner is going to sue President Barack Obama for his alleged abuse of executive power. Mr. Boehner is Speaker of the House, and he got permission from the House, so that’s kind of like your dog getting permission from your cat to sit on the furniture… but still.

Historically, people have challenged the President to a duel–but never before has anybody thought of going straight John Grisham on the Commander-in-Chief. It is going to be a page-turner.

Here are four reasons why suing Barack Obama will be the greatest legal event since that one episode of Judge Judy about the roaches in the hot tub.

1. It Steals Attention from Batman v Superman

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America loves it when the people who are supposed to be protecting us fight each other.

John Boehner is the Man of Steel. He is built on old fashioned American ideals and good hair. He preaches hope and peace, but knows when you just need to break the bad guy’s neck to get things done. Barack Obama is the Dark Knight… because… you know.

The public demands that they fight each other. The citizens of this country can’t wait to watch these two go toe-to-toe and cause massive amounts of damage. It’s not like movies in which superheroes team up to fight evil ever make any money.

2. It Will Finally get them to start talking

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We’re all Americans. We’ve all seen The Parent Trap. We all realize that sometimes you have to create a wacky, crazy scheme to get two people in the same room together.

In this case, the two people are Barack and John. The wacky scheme is the House of Representatives suing the president. That’s a situation so “out-there” that it wouldn’t be accepted in a first-year screenwriting class.

But we can hope that once they’re in the same courthouse and hear the wise words of a kindly, grumpy old judge (Morgan Freeman or Donald Sutherland), they’ll realize that all their bickering was just hiding their unconditional love for one another.

3. It’s the only way to take a non-criminal to court

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I’m sure Conservatives would love to just outright impeach Obama, but that clever rascal has dodged that bullet by not actually committing any crimes.

Luckily, litigation does not depend on what has actually happened, but rather what you can make people believe–and we currently have a Supreme Court that believes a corporation has an immortal soul.

Republicans just have to roll into the courthouse in a wheelchair with a neck brace on. If they wring their hands a little bit about all the pain, suffering and mental anguish they have suffered, they might be able to at least get a settlement for their medical expenses… which, thanks to Obamacare, would be nothing.

4. It will secure Barack’s place in history

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Everybody hates the president, but usually once they are out of office, all that’s left of that hate is a hard-to-remove bumper sticker. People’s distaste for Barack Obama will now leave a paper trail.

There will be legal documents that have to be filed away about the shade that has been thrown on this man. A hate that is so strong, it needs over eight years of higher learning in order to process.

This is historical. This is a story of a man who rose to the highest office in land. An icon who represents a group of people who have never had this kind of voice before. A leader who actually used his power to make a change and is being punished for it. A president whose trials and tribulations will feature actual trials.

What I’m saying is that it will make one hell of a Denzel movie.

denzel

C.J. Tuor is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory and performs every Saturday night at 9 PM in the DeMaat Theatre with Moxie, A Second City Training Center Ensemble. C.J. also performs at The Annoyance Theatre in Hitch*Cocktails.

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