How To Report on a Gay Athlete
You guys, I don’t know if you saw ESPN’s Peabody Award-worthy reporting recently, but out gay linebacker (and now cut from the St. Louis Rams) Michael Sam SHOWERS SOMETIMES.
Can you believe it? A gay athlete bathes, sometimes during or around the time his teammates also bathe.
STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES IMMEDIATELY AND DON’T PRESS START UNTIL WE ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS!
How much dong peekage is going on? Does he immediately do the no-hand salute when he sees all that sweet, soapy penis? Does he use a body wash with microbeads?
Welcome to professional sports’ new Queer Quandary.
You have to report on sports, but one of the athletes is a proud homosexxxual. Clearly that’s the ANGLE!, crackerjack ESPN reporter, so you feel like you have to tie everything back to the fact said athlete has a private life that includes getting boners from looking at other dude’s boners, probably (you’re not quite sure how gay works).
Here’s something to consider: having a gay person on your team CHANGES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If you’re a reporter and you find yourself reporting on a gay athlete, first just call him an athlete.
Second, use this helpful checklist of questions when crafting your story:
- Did the athlete score any points? If so, how many?
- How does the coach feel about the athlete’s performance on the court/field?
- Who won the game? By how much?
- Were there any notable plays that involved said athlete?
Great! You’re doing it right… for once. Now, after you get the answers to these questions, you have to write your lede. Journalism is all about hooking the audience! Here are some ledes to avoid when discussing an athlete who also happens to be gay:
The St. Louis Rams were led to victory last night against the Cleveland Browns, thanks to gay linebacker Michael Sam.
Michael Sam, a man who occasionally ejaculates with or to the thought of other men, helped lead the St. Louis Rams to victory last night by sacking Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel, but not in a sexual ballsack kind of way.
The Rams came from behind to seal victory on Monday, much the same way Michael Sam often comes from behind after ramming another male because he is incredibly gay. Gay. Gay gay GAY gay GAY GAY gay gay gay. Gay. Marvin Gaye. Crystal Gayle. Gay as a goose. Gay . I can’t stop typing the word gay for some reason.
Quarterback Johnny Manziel was injured after a brutal sack from Rams linebacker Michael Sam, which is amazing because Michael Sam has the brain chemistry or genetic predisposition to want to have sex with men, or whatever it is that causes a human with an XY chromosome to find other humans with XY chromosomes physically attractive, and historically we as a society have wrongly associated same-sex attraction in males as implicitly weak so the very fact one of these “weak queers” could overpower a 300-pound lineman and tackle Johnny Football hard enough to cause injury is JUST FUCKING MINDBLOWING TO ME because my mind is apparently the size of a grape.
Michael Sam, masc power top for the St. Louis Rams, wrestled pig power bottom Johnny Manziel to the ground, Sam’s rippling, hard biceps squeezing against Manziel’s supple, willing abs. Manziel let out a deep moan and bit his lower lip in ecstasy. “I want to taste your Johnny Footballs,” whispered Sam, his manhood throbbing in his tight pants. “Good,” replied Manziel, arching his back and putting his toned, sweaty rump in the air. “Because I want to take all of your American.”
Instead, try a lede like this:
Football was played by pro athletes, and someone won. Hooray.
John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins.