How to Protect Yourself from Ebola
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re all going to die forever! Except instead of an asteroid/global warming/nuclear war/rapture/government-funded daycare for immigrant children where they sing songs in Spanish, this time the killer is the Ebola virus.
Yes, THAT Ebola virus. Like Jenny McCarthy and wildly over-valued tech stocks, Ebola is one of those 90s headlines that’s made a big comeback. It’s a classic that never goes out of style, mostly because it’s completely incurable. And horrible. And painfully devastating to the lives of anyone exposed. Just like Jenny McCarthy.
But how can you protect yourself from the virus that is absolutely going to kill everyone? Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be Ebola-free forever. Until you’re not, and then you die.
This always works, forever. Remember when you bum-rushed that Walmart Express with those 700 other screaming lunatics before that crazy maybe-blizzard and bought, like, seven flashlights and twelve giant jars of Peter Pan chunky peanut butter and you punched that 90-year-old lady in the cooch and stole the last electric blanket from her because YOU WEREN’T GOING TO DIE NOT TODAY NOT EVER? And all those items you bought and never used once were the only reason you survived?
Viruses demand the same insane reaction. Microbes hate hosts that are freaking the fuck out for no reason, so if you panic constantly, you will almost certainly never catch Ebola. Because of your magic panic-shield.
Share A Bunch of Poorly Sourced Shit on Facebook
The only thing known to combat the cureless Ebola is completely haphazard, rumor-based scare-articles about the disease. Post all the crazy shit you can find about the disease on your Facebook wall, and DEFINITELY share anything your mom posts. The Facebook walls of mothers are like the AZT of Ebola. Also, the second you see a BuzzFeed article explaining the latest Ebola outbreak entirely through Dance Moms gifs, SHARE THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY AND YOU WILL BE CURED.
Stop Making Out With That Fruit Bat
I know you love caves and open-mouth kissing, but you gotta dial it back, Barbara.
Binge Watch CNN
It’s a scientific fact that every time you hear Dr. Sanjay Gupta or Don Lemon or Erin Burnett say the words “We’re going to be monitoring this situation very closely,” your body grows more white blood cells. And every time there’s a breaking news alert about the movement of an American Ebola patient to a different facility, you get granted a wish. And if you don’t use it to wish for more CNN coverage of American Ebola patients (the most important of all Ebola patients), then you can wish to be immune to Ebola.
But let’s face it, those breaking news alerts are pretty fucking sweet, so you’ll probably wish for that.
Wildly Mistrust Anyone Who Looks West African
Because extremely lazy racial profiling never makes you look like complete fucking idiot and is amazing for you immune system. It’s the kale of being a terrible human being. (No it’s not.)
Watch Contagion and Get A Massive Tragedy Boner
Or The Stand, or Outbreak, or 28 Days Later. Consuming disease porn is a must during any real-life disease scare. And if Gwyneth Paltrow’s character dies? That calls for an exceedingly rare double tragedy boner. Tragedy boners are like citronella candles that keep diseases off your porch.
Scream At Your Doctor While She Says Calming Words That You Refuse To Hear
You are the best doctor—not all the doctors that have gone to doctor school for twenty years. Remember: nothing they say matters when you know Ebola is coming for you. But it’s a good idea to scream at them to tell them how much you don’t want to die of Ebola, because that makes everyone feel better.
Continue Barely Noticing Ebola Is Even A Thing Right Now Until It Goes Away
Barely noticing or caring is how 99.99999999% of humanity survives most cataclysms. Remember swine flu? Bird flu? The TV show Whitney? We got through those disasters by giving exactly zero fucks about them.
Ebola will be no different.
John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins.