The *Official* Ferguson Police Department Handbook

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You responded to the flier we left under your windshield wiper at Buffalo Wild Wings and completed our 15-minute gun workshop, “The Chuck Norris Way,” to become fully BBIATG-certified (Bang Bang I’m A Tough Guy!)

You are now qualified to be a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri.

In this comprehensive, four-page orientation guide, you’ll find everything you need to know about being a cop in Ferguson, Missouri. We’re proud to have you on board, wearing our camouflage military uniforms that were gifted to our department from the Pentagon that give us the magical feeling of being badass Navy SEALs–without ever having to prove our physical prowess in absolutely any way.

  • Can’t run a mile in under 14 minutes?
  • Can’t do more than four push-ups?
  • Don’t worry! Neither can we. But we look like Call of Duty action stars anyway.

Thanks, military-industrial complex!

Also, because we want to get you on the street aiming your gun at people as soon as possible, we’ve broken our guide into chapters:

Chapter  1 – How To Shoot Good

Chapter 2 – Doing and Eating Donuts In Your Sweet New Armored Tank

Chapter 3 – Who Gets Dibs When Military Claus Visits Us and Gifts Us Gigantic Guns and Armor Leftover From an Unwinnable Desert War (Hint: We All Do)

Chapter 4 – Aiming For the Face

Chapter 5 – You Can’t Control Much, But At Least You Can Control This Unarmed Teenager You’re Kneeing in the Stomach

Chapters 6-27 – Making Sure Black People Know Their Place

Chapter 28 – Choosing The Most “Thuggish” Photo of the Black Person You Just Killed and Feeding It to the Media 

Chapter 29 – Seriously, Fuck Black People

Taped to the back of this guide, you’ll find a ruler so you can continually measure your penis after each black person you arrest. It grows a tiny bit each time, so make sure you hit your harassment quotas! Also, SHHH! Don’t tell anyone about our harassing of black people quotas!

Before you read further, here is a quick guide to the types of crimes you’ll encounter in Ferguson (or make-up after the fact) and their corresponding punishments:

JAYWALKING : Bash the perp in the face with a riot shield; scream “I AM IN CHARGE!”

JAYWALKING WHILE BLACK: Shoot six times (twice in the head);wait four hours to do anything with the body.

DRIVING WHILE BLACK: Beat the perp until your fists are bloody; charge the perp with property damage for bleeding on your uniform. (See: Henry Davis case)

POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA: If it’s a white college kid, give a stern/concerned lecture and threaten to call their parents. If it’s a black person, beat them in the face region, knee them in the groin a bunch of times and then arrest them immediately so they go to jail for an unreasonably long time, and then they’re forever stuck with a criminal record and can’t get hired anywhere that will pay them enough to improve their lives and then they get disillusioned and hopefully stop trying to better themselves so white people can continue to feel morally superior while convincing themselves they’re not racist because look at how much trouble those black youths get into! Hey, after we lost slavery, Jim Crow and segregation–we had to get creative!

PEACEFUL PROTESTING: Tanks, drones, riot gear, tear gas, rubber bullets, flame throwers probably, chemical weapons, get those nuke silos in North Dakota online. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE PEOPLE CAN DO THAN GATHER IN PUBLIC TO SHOW THEY’RE NOT COMPLETELY SUBSERVIENT TO YOUR AWESOME ALPHA MALE POWER. YOU ARE ROBOCOP! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KNOCK KNOCKS! 

JOURNALISTING (THE ACT OF BEING A JOURNALIST): Immediate harassment, especially if TV cameras are rolling, because it’s always a really, really good idea to threaten journalists on live TV. 

Hope this guidebook helps! Most of all, remember to have fun!  And whatever you do, shoot first–and ask questions in your head while you continue to shoot, and then say them out loud later, but only if the questions are, “How badass am I? Am I a super badass or a super-duper-ultra-mega badass?”  

Finally, some say we’re giving all cops a bad name by what we do in Ferguson. We say those people are fucking pussies. If you start to feel bad about what you’re doing, or feeling like you’re perpetuating a mode of social control specifically designed to only benefit a select few, just remember:

You’re a middle man. You have a family to feed. Middle men with families to feed can justify doing anything, no matter how brutal.

Did we say brutal? We meant studly. 

Bang bang bang!!!

John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins