Why The Ice Bucket Challenge is the Worst Thing in the World 

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The proposition sounds like something out of a Saw movie:

Either donate $100 to ALS (aka Lou Gehrig’s disease) research—or film yourself dumping a bucket of ice water on your head.

You’ve probably seen at least 600 of these videos, and if you’re a sophisticated media critic, you’ve realized how stupid they are. Every charity expert from Charlie Sheen to the guy who makes memes has attacked this trend for being a pointless exercise in water waste. 

Here are 5 reasons the ice bucket challenge is leaving us cold. 

People Don’t Like It


There are many problems that seem insurmountable. They seem this way because there are plenty of people telling us we are surmounting them wrong. 

Right now, we’re facing political, racial, and…well, mostly racial problems in our country that seem to have no solution and anybody who dares offer a solution better have an absolutely perfect one or SHUT UP!

So you found a nice activity that everybody is capable of participating in one way or another to raise awareness/money for a terrible disease? Does it have any aspects that someone could possibly mock? Then back to the drawing board!

Celebrities Aren’t Saints


Many a celebrity has made many an amusing video involving being doused in a bucket of water…and it’s not just Jennifer Beals dancing like she’s never danced before. 

Hey, Affleck! Why not use some of that Bruce Wayne money to actually donate to the cause? I mean…sure…he did, but he could give more than just some money, his time and his ability to generate attention. 

Until I actually see Taylor Swift looking through a microscope at nerve cells for signs of atrophy, I refuse to believe that they are completely committed to this cause. 

It’s a Waste of Resources


Social media is a limited commodity. I only have so much time on the toilet to check my Facebook. I can’t waste wall space on comments about ice water. I’ve got important snarky TV critiques to read! The new Doctor Who starts Saturday, after all.

Speaking of toilets, there are countries/California’s suffering through droughts. We shouldn’t dump water on our heads. We should use it for drinking, bathing, plumbing, watering decorative yard plants, filling swimming pools, sliding down slides in tubes and fighting each other with it!

Using valuable commodities for entertainment is very American. Using valuable commodities for entertainment while supporting a good cause is what other countries/California would do. 

You’re Only Encouraging Them


My mother always said, “If you want a bully to stop bothering you, the best advice is to ignore them and not give them millions of dollars.”

So far, this ice bucket challenge has drastically increased the donations going to ALS and made it a top trending topic in every credible news network and CNN.

This will only lead to other charities using clever ideas and outside-the-box thinking to promote themselves through cute new media tactics instead of doing it the old fashioned way. They should be pressuring me with guilt on the street while dingng a bell or carrying a clipboard. 

Diseases Aren’t Fun


People having fun is always annoying. Any time I see children playing, hear people singing, or have to scroll by online contacts participating in a goofy trend, I just want to kick a puppy in its smiling little face.

The worst part is ALS is not fun. It’s a serious fatal disease that affects a large enough population to be devastating, but small enough for drug companies to ignore. 

Like all the bad things in life, it is much easier not to think about it at all. If you make it approachable by attaching a fun campaign, you don’t give it the respect it deserves. It should stay miserable and not offer a glimpse of positivity. 

It’s not like someone who contracted Lou Gehrig’s disease would ever consider himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. 

C.J. Tuor  is a Second City Conservatory graduate and performs with the Chicago Reader-recommended improvised drinking thriller Hitch*Cocktails every Friday night at the Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.