How You Know You Have Anxiety Issues

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On a scale of 1-10, how strongly do you agree with the following statements?

  • You had to take a Xanax just to watch the movie Flight
  • You don’t panic text. You panic about panic texting.
  • The most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your life was try to meditate.
  • When you’re at a party, you realize that you are a huge introvert.
  • When you’re at home, you’re like, “Man, I’m an extrovert!”
  • You’ve created your own table of statistics on car accidents, plane crashes and amount of minutes that can pass for someone to not text back before you should report them missing.
  • Wine makes you really happy.
  • Wine makes you really sad.
  • Wine calms you down.
  • Wine makes you manic.
  • The amount of liquor it takes you to get drunk keeps changing.
  • The amount of liquor you have to mix with your Xanax to make it through Breaking Bad keeps changing.
  • When you’re having a panic attack on a plane and a sweet mom leans over and says, “Just remember, the pilot wants to get home to his family, too,” you immediately respond, “What if he’s single? What if he’s still bitter about that crazy hot girl in college!? Oh god, Valentine’s Day is in five months, what if he’s not feeling good!?!”
  • Instead of daydreams you have whatifthishorriblethinghappensdreams.
  • You’ve sweat so much at the doctor’s that you’ve actually slid off the chair.
  • Logic only works when you feel like it.
  • You hold people’s actions on Facebook accountable in your real-life encounters.
  • The “…is typing” moments in a Gchat conversation make you extremely tense.
  • One time, your boyfriend got the time confused for when you were coming over and went on a run right before you got there. When he didn’t answer the door or his phone, you Googled recent plane crashes, car crashes and murders within a 50-mile radius. Coming up empty-handed, you decided the only thing to do was to break into his apartment, utilizing the cracks in the window created by the A/C unit. You found his wallet and cellphone and assumed abduction, so you sat in the middle of his bedroom sobbing and holding his belongings and his cat, trying to decide which contact of his to call first. So when he walked casually back in and hugged you, you immediately needed a two-hour nap.

 

Chelsea Devantez is a member of The Second City Touring Company where she flies around the country with the help of Xanax. She improvises with The Second City’s Improv All-Stars and understudies the Second City’s Mainstage and E.T.C. theaters. She is a co-creator of the series Modern Women on the Network.  She also co-created and stars in a pilot you can see at  www.stupidbitchsyndrome.comwhich is a finalist in the Comedy Central-New York Television Festival. This is her idea of a website: http://devantez.tumblr.com/ 

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