Great Moments in S**** B*** History

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Broncos! Seahawks!

It’s Super Bowl time, AKA the Oscars for straight dudes. If you’re just a casual fan, you probably fast-forward to the commercials.

But this year, the guy or girl you’re dating is a huge football fan. You don’t want to seem like an un-American weirdo. We’ve got you covered! Here’s some 100% accurate trivia about some of the greatest moments in Big Game history that you can use to show off like a Big Football Big Shot.

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Game I, 1967: The game does not sell out, as fans revolt against the exorbitant $12 dollar tickets.

Game III, 1969: Joe Namath guarantees a Jets win. Far away, a 5-year-old Suzy Kolber feels a shudder go down her spine.

Game IV, 1970: Carol Channing is the first celebrity to perform at halftime. She is also the first celebrity to have a wardrobe malfunction, causing an evacuation at Tulane Stadium.

Game VIII, 1974: The Dolphins win for the second time and the Vikings lose their second. In a post game interview, Viking quarterback Fran Tarkenton says, “Who gives a shit? I’m still getting paid and still getting laid.”

Game X, 1976: This is the first game where children under 17 are not admitted. The league’s “adult-only” format results in low ratings and an awkward moment between Larry Cszonka and Jack Lambert.

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Game XI, 1977: The Oakland Raiders crush the Minnesota Vikings, handing them their fourth Super Bowl loss. During halftime, members of the “Raider Nation” savagely beat everyone in “Up with People,” earning a standing ovation from the crowd.

Game XIII, 1979 :Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach bet on the outcome of the game. The loser has to have dinner with Howard Cosell.

Game XV, 1981: The Oakland Raiders defeat the Philadelphia Eagles. It is estimated that battles between the two most violent fan bases in the NFL result in over 15,000 deaths– in the parking lot alone.

Game XVIII, 1984: The (now) Los Angeles Raiders defeat the Redskins. The first commercial for the Apple Macintosh airs, and Raiders owner Al Davis sleeps with Wendy’s spokeswoman Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller.

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Game XIX, 1985: The 49ers continue to dominate their Big Game appearances, but Dolphin’s Quarterback Dan Marino continues to dominate David Hasselhoff look-a-like contests.

Game XX, 1986: A team of animated superheroes– Iron Mike, Mongo, The Fridge, The Punky QB, Mama’s Boy, Sackman, Samurai Mike and Maury Buford– defeat the New England Patriots 46-10.

Game XXII, 1988: The Washington Redskins beat up on Denver this time, as Doug Williams becomes the first African American starting quarterback to win the Big Game. From this point on, Redskins ownership and their fan base will point to this and say, “See…we’re not TOTALLY racist!”

Games XXV, XXVI, XXVIII: Thanks to a curse put on Bills Coach Marv Levy by a Dybbuk in the old country, Buffalo loses four straight Super Bowls.

Game XXIX, 1995: San Francisco destroys San Diego in what Gus Markowski of Cicero, Illinois dubs “The Goddamn Hippie California Sushi Bowl.”

Game XXXI, 1997: After three decades away from the Big Game, the Green Bay Packers battle the New England Patriots in a match to determine whose fans are more obnoxious.

Game XXXII-XXXIII, 1998-1999: The sun begins revolving around the Earth, mice chase cats and Hell freezes over as the Denver Broncos win back-to-back Super Bowls.

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Game XXXVII, 2003: Led by Jon Gruden, the once-lowly Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeat his former team, the Oakland Raiders. Raiders owner Al Davis was said to be distracted during the game by a marathon lovemaking session in his skybox with Super Bowl IV star Carol Channing.

Game XXXIX, 2005: As the Patriots win another Super Bowl, fans in the Northeast go from “kinda irritating” to “completely fucking insufferable.”

Super Bowl XLII, 2008:17 members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins are arrested for public intoxication while celebrating the Giants underdog win over the previously undefeated New England Patriots. “We are still relevant… Get these cuffs off of me,” a pants-less Garo Yepremian was heard exclaiming while being dragged out of Rick’s Cabaret.

Super Bowl XLVII, 2013: Despite the lights going out for 34 minutes, the game eventually resumes play. Apparently, the Harbaugh brothers were playing a practical joke.

Scott Goldstein is a former director for the Second City Touring Company, a teacher in the Second City Training Center Conservatory, and a director and performer living in Chicago. He likes sports and the glorious futility of Chicago winters. Follow him on Twitter @Goldyhawks.

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