The George Lucas Museum to Re-Write Chicago History

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We did it, guys! We got another museum!

The George Lucas museum will open in Chicago come 2018. Who better to explain how an entire society can go from a sparkling clean hi-tech vision of the future— to a dirty broken-down totalitarian regime in the time it takes a baby to grow into Mark Hamill?

Here are 10 ways George Lucas will re-write (and improve) Chicago’s grand history:

1. Willis Tower will be dramatically revealed as the John Hancock Center’s father! (Back when it was going by a different name…)

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2. To fix continuity errors with his origin, Barack Obama was now actually born in Chicago and built Joe Biden at a very young age.

3. The 1893 World’s Fair will go down in history as the first time the world was introduced to Cream of Wheat, Juicy Fruit, the dishwasher, the zipper, the Ferris Wheel, the trash compactor monster thing and the wizardry of Nikola Tesla (voiced by James Earl Jones).

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4. The Cubs World Series Curse is now credited to their very low Midichlorian count.

5. The Prohibition Era will remain untouched. There is no need for edits… except one. Al Capone rode a giant lizard. 

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6. Oprah Winfrey will now be played by Hayden Christensen.

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7. Illinois governors will no longer be political puppets; they will be political CGI effects.

8. Richard J. Daley and Richard M. Daley will be re-written to be siblings (making their earlier kiss super-awkward).

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9. The filth-ridden Chicago sausages describe in Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle will be henceforth known as “Jar Jar Links.”

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10. We will have to burn Chicago down one more time to complete the trilogy. 

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C.J. Tuor is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory and performs every Saturday night at 9 PM in the DeMaat Theatre with Moxie, A Second City Training Center Ensemble. C.J. also performs at The Annoyance Theatre in Hitch*Cocktails.

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