Game of Thrones characters Ned Stark and Catelyn Stark have a difficult marriage. Constantly battling the Lannisters and trying to find some alone time don’t go hand in hand. And what will become of John Snow, Robert Stark and the other brothers if their marriage falls apart? Hopefully the doctor can save them.

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Ten years ago, I wrote a list entitled 15 Things You Should Know About Touring. Apparently, Second City still hands it out when new touring members are hired. This list is for when you are fired. Or more likely, when you decide to leave The Second City for bigger and better things. These come from my personal experience. Please take them or leave them. But I recommend that you take them:

1. Make your home your own personal sanctuary.

This should be the number one item on your list. It doesn’t matter if you move to New York or Los Angeles, or even if you decide to stay in Chicago. Most of my time in Chicago, I lived in a dining room that was fitted with an accordion wall, thus making it a “bedroom.” It was depressing and demoralizing. You need a place where you can relax and be yourself and let all the bullshit slide away the second you enter its doors. Part of moving on and growing up is taking care of yourself. Nothing says perpetual man-boy/woman-girl like using a sheet for a curtain. Unless you’ve put some serious sewing into that sheet rendering it unrecognizable as a bed topping, do not use it as a curtain. Or a door. Or a tablecloth. Or even on your bed anymore, because that thing has been hanging in your windows.

2. Write a sitcom spec script.

If you have a writing partner, write one together. Just know that if you get hired as a writing team, you split a salary. So better yet, write one with your partner and one on your own. Writing is hard, so just show up to the page and do it. Do it! While you’re at it, write one for me, too. I’m having a really tough time coming up with a third act for mine.

3. If you own a pair Skechers, throw them out.

This one is for the guys. It doesn’t matter if they are Skecher sneakers or what their website describes as “dress” shoes. Throw them out! One of the first things ladies notice are a man’s shoes, and Skechers scream, “I still have action figures displayed on my bookshelf.”  I know you think that contrast stitching means business in the front, party in the back, but think about it. I’ve just described a mullet. You are wearing the feet equivalent of a mullet*.

*Except in Middle Earth. The feet equivalent of a mullet for hobbits is an actual foot mullet.

4. If you see a guy wearing Sketchers, give him a break.

This one is for the ladies. He doesn’t know. He thinks wearing shoes with stitching, overlay and perforation accents make him look hip. Take him aside and kindly tell him he has other options in footwear. Even better, take him shopping for shoes and help him pick out one nice pair of sneakers and one nice pair of dress shoes. He will be forever grateful and may just ask you to marry him one day like I did with my wife.

5. Sign up for all frequent flyer miles.

I know I had this on my last list, but it is just good advice. And just because you’re not in The Second City anymore doesn’t mean you won’t travel. Travel! Accrue miles! Travel more! Live a little; you need something to write about.

6. Don’t hold grudges.  

7. Don’t use improv as a substitute for really working.

After I quit the touring company, I was improvising almost every night. I really felt like I was busy, but it was an illusion. I was performing a lot and doing very little. Pick one or two shows you really enjoy, and stick to that. Quality over quantity. Spend the other 5 nights working on my spec script.

8. Watch Justified.

Season 2 is amazing! Or watch Enlightened. Or Breaking Bad. Don’t stare into the abyss of Google looking up animals that are friends or pictures of Mike Jeffries’ face. If you want to work in TV, find shows you like, and watch the butt out of them. Know a show inside out. Be passionate about what you love and learn to express it. When you make small talk in ridiculous show biz meetings, it might help pass the time.

9. Be patient. 

You’re not going to ever get what you want right when you want it or the way you think you should get it. Just keep working, and things will come when they come. It is the hardest thing in the world, but resist comparing yourself to others. Use the initial twinge of jealousy as motivation, as an indicator to yourself of what you truly want. And teach yourself to be happy for others. It’s not a race. It’s about finding YOUR voice and speaking with it. No one else will do that. It’s yours.

10. Eat.

If you move to LA, go eat at The Reel Inn in Malibu. If you move to New York, go get a burger at the Burger Joint inside the Le Parker Meridien hotel. If you stay in Chicago, eat everything! I don’t need to bold that last one, since it goes without saying.

John Lutz performed at ImprovOlympic and was a member of the Second City National Touring Company. Since then, he has been a writer for Saturday Night Live and an actor on NBC’s 30 Rock, where he played the role of Lutz. He is currently working on his first book, The Lutz Experiment.

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That classic game show where the celebrity panel must guess the guests shoe size.

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Same-sex marriage isn’t necessarily a new concept, but for the religious right, social conservatives and comfortably single gays, it’s becoming a harsh reality.

Let’s face it, gay marriage is trending. State legislatures are treating it like their own personal Harlem Shake, stopping at nothing to get their own version out there before the fad passes. In the last couple of weeks alone, Rhode Island, Delaware and Minnesota have created this clusterfuck of marriage equality. All this on the heels of Maine, Maryland and Washington last fall (don’t even get me started on France, Uruguay and New Zealand).

That leaves me, a single gay in Illinois, living in fear. My days free from the shackles of societal expectations are numbered.

I’m not sure if I have a fear of commitment or of heteronormativity, but either way, I’m not looking to “settle down.” At 33, I experience enough anxiety over the mere thought of planning my birthday party. A wedding seems like unnecessary self-torture. (With that being said, I have decided that if I were to get married, in lieu of traditional wedding parties, I would invite all my self-identified lady friends to wear all white so that there could be a seemingly never-ending procession of brides at my gay wedding – DO NOT STEAL THIS IDEA!!!)

And let’s be honest. I love to travel, but a honeymoon is just a vacation where you have to limit the number of sexual partners you have to just one. At this rate, if I want to remain comfortably single without the pressures of a looming marriage proposal, I’ll have to move to one of those shitty states. Next time I’m on Craigslist, I’m going have to forego the Men Seeking Men section so I can peruse apartments in Biloxi.

The thought of gay marriage on the horizon makes me question my own dating life:

1. Why am I still single?
2. Should I stop dating dudes with boyfriends?
3. Should I stop sleeping with dudes with wives?

The self-questioning is endless, and I honestly don’t have all the answers. Just most of them*.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for equal rights, but I’m just a wee bit skeptical of marriage. Let me toss a hypothetical at you: Say we’re all spending the day at an amusement park together, and we’re all brainwashed to think that we have to go on that one old-ass rickety roller coaster on the edge of the park.

You know, one of those old wooden roller coasters that has been around for fucking ever– that everyone wants to ride– even though you have to spend hours in line just to ride it once, but you commit to the wait, because you’re told that your trip to the park is worthless unless you ride that coaster.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one that once you’re on it, you realize that it’s fucking old and possibly not safe and you end up getting tossed around, and you feel like you have whiplash by the time you’re done. I think you know the one I’m talking about. The one where a few assholes sitting in front actually have a decent time doing it, but most folks just sit there and take it because they feel they have to.

That same coaster that when you hear a friend of yours wants to ride it a second or third time, you’re shocked– because you know for a fact that they had an awful time the first go around.

So, say this death trap has a height requirement that excludes short people from partaking in this time-honored amusement park tradition, and for ever and ever, this has never stopped any of the tall people from subjecting themselves to this supposed “fun.” Then, out of nowhere, everyone realizes that the height requirement is rather arbitrary, so all of your tall friends demand that you’re able to ride that same ancient safety hazard that is the revered Ol’ Wooden Roller Coaster.

Fuck that. There are so many other rides that are really fucking fun, that short people can go on, that don’t involve waiting in line, and that will most likely not end in regret. With that being said, say that the park offered over 1,100 benefits for riding said coaster, like free refills on soda and discounted turkey legs. I guess I would consider riding it, provided I had some cool-ass furry dude to ride it with who also wouldn’t mind if I occasionally went on other rides with other dudes.

(For the above hypothetical, the wooden roller coaster was a metaphor for traditional marriage, and the day at the park was a metaphor for life. Get it?)

Oh, in case you’re curious, I’m a self-identified post-bear queer, and these opinions are mine, and mine alone. If you are queer and/or gay and/or lesbian and/or trans and/or bi and you can get married and you want to, please do. I might even want to come, because I like a good party, and chances are you won’t be able to have your ceremony in a church.

You see, the real issue at hand is that I spent most of my 20s being really fucking poor, and I skipped out on buying no fewer than two dozen wedding presents. My straight friends’ liberal guilt has probably prevented them from saying anything to me, but if I can get married, I’m going to have to send out countless molcajetes from Crate & Barrel. I’d rather spend that money on my dogs and/or a trip to P-town.

*(Answers: 1. Emotionally Unavailable 2. Probably 3. No)

Tim Paul (@thatguytimpaul) has written and performed in shorts featured on such sites as Huffingtonpost.com, Gay.com, Queerty.com, Joemygod.blogspot.com & Towleroad.com. He is on the teaching faculty at both Second CIty & The Annoyance, but is probably most recognized for wearing an ugly Christmas sweater in a USPS commercial. thatguytimpaul.com

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Hello there, Savvy Travelers! It’s me, Ben Whitaker, The Second City Network’s Savvy Travel Guide. Wouldn’t you know it? Summer is comin’ round the bend! If you’ve been squirreling away your pennies like I advised you to back in my January article, “Don’t BRRRRRReak the Bank,” then you’re sitting on a tidy little pile of ducats and ready to spend them on a warm-weather getaway! Maybe some of you are like your own Savvy Travel Guide and have amassed a particularly large vacation nest egg because all of a sudden…WHOOPS!…your romantic rendezvous for two just became a solo adventure. I guess you can say I’m on a “permanent vacation” from my relationship of four years, as well as from my own apartment!

Oh, Boise!

Sorry for the TMI, gang! Guess I was writing to you from the penthouse suite at the Heartbreak Hotel, but that’s nothing a little globe-trotting and sunshine can’t cure. Especially when the money you were going to use to buy an engagement ring is now BURNIN’ A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET! YEOWCH! That’s a scorcher!

Cozumel, Mexico

Water as salty as my buckets of tears!

Speaking of scorcher… there’s no señor or señorita on God’s green earth that can have a bad time down south of the border. The weather is caliente, the resorts are all-inclusive, and the good times are mucho plentiful. You’ll be partying ‘til you siesta! And don’t forget the food! Like the carnitas that Leighanne loved so much, or the burritos you brought home the night she told you she met someone else… OH THAT’S ME AGAIN WEEEOOOOWWWEEEOOOO SADSACK ALERT.

Grand Cayman

Stroll along the pier, holding your own hand.

Beaches as far as the eye can see! Water so clear you’ll think you’re swimmin’ in glass! Ideal for young people whose souls haven’t been crushed by betrayal or families like the one I should have by now, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better locale to kick back and chillax. People still say chillax, right? It doesn’t come off like I’m trying too hard? Like I’m trying to be someone I’m not? Like certain people whose name rhymes with “Leighanne” might throw at you when you’re not totally not expecting it? Oh boy, somebody left the back gate open and my entire future got out!

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Come see a statue of someone who clearly doesn’t exist!

CARNAVAL!!! Might be during the summer time. I have no idea, but what an escape it would be to one of the grand cities of South America. Did you know they speak Portuguese in Brazil? And so does the pilates instructor Leighanne walked out on me for? WHAT MAN DOES PILATES…?

Rome, Italy

Has anyone ever drowned themselves in the Fountain of Love?

Ancient history so rich you’ll forget the recent history of your girlfriend recounting your sexual shortcomings loudly in front of the neighbors. NEXT SPOT…

Paris, France

It’s a 1,063 foot jump to the bottom.

I CAN’T EVEN.

Ibiza, Spain

Tapas. Architecture. Who cares.

HOW AM I. SUPPOSED TO COMPETE. WITH A PORTUGUESE PILATES INSTRUCTOR. LEIGHANNE. THE MAN IS A WALKING TRICEP.

Portland, Oregon or Maine

Great and everything and DEAR GOD LEIGHANNE TAKE ME BACK.

Chicago, Illinois

Why have you forsaken me?

You know what? Why not stay-cation in the hometown? Where EVERYTHING REMINDS YOU OF HER I CAN’T FEEL MY HANDS.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Look at what I’ve become. Happy now?

Jewel of the Midwest, where a dark room at my brother’s house will greet me along with a case of Schlitz and a Brewers games or 4. No one does pilates in Wisconsin! It’s against the law! AHAHAHAOWMYSPIRIT.

SAAAAAAAVVVVY TRAVELS, EVERYONE!

Kevin Sciretta is a writer and improviser living in Chicago. In addition to working for The Second City, he is also a contributing writer for The Onion News Network and a regular performer at iO Chicago.

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Michael and John take a look at Wendy’s North Pacific Cod Sandwich and use a lot of other words. Come for the food, but stay for the jokes it’s Drive Thru Standin’ Up! Also, Michael and John tell you how to make a dollar.

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Randy Jackson recently announced his retirement from American Idol after twelve rather unmemorable seasons. Here are 9 things more interesting and important than his entire TV tenure.

9. The Black Plague Pandemic

Although the Plague technically originated in the late 1330s, the European pandemic explored in history books took place between 1346 and 1351. Within five short years, at least 20 million people died – about one-third of Europe’s population. To put that in perspective, that is 1.93 million viewers less than the amount of people who watched the season 11 premiere of American Idol.

8. An Elephant’s Gestation Period

At a whopping 660 days, t he majestic elephant has the longest gestation period of any mammal. Comparatively, Sanjaya Malakar’s gestation period was only nine weeks.

7. Arthur Rimbaud’s Literary Career

Rimbaud began writing when he was just 15 years old and retired by the time he was 23. This gave him just enough time to write the works that would later inspire those behind the Dada and Surrealist movements, as well as artists like Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali, Henry Miller, Bob Dylan, Allen Ginsberg, and Patti Smith. Randy Jackson inspired millions to say “dawg” while around their sons’ friends.

6. The Battle of Gettysburg

The infamous battle lasted just three days in 1863, but resulted in 51,000 casualties and is oft considered a major turning point in the Civil War. The greatest turning point in American Idol was when Paula Abdul retired, carting her rolling medicine cabinet of benzos with her.

5. Randy Jackson’s Time with Journey

Let’s give credit where credit is due. Randy played bass for Journey from 1985-1987, which is pretty interesting. Personally, I would much rather play some air drums to “Open Arms” six times a day for 12 years than listen to anything that has ever come out of a man named Phillip Phillips.

4. Beatrice Straight’s 1976 Oscar Win

Beatrice Straight won an Oscar in 1976 for her 5 minute 40 second appearance in the film Network. She did more for the arts in less than six minutes than Randy did in over 12 years (or approximately 42,750 minutes) on American Idol.

3. From Justin to Kelly

On the other side of Oscar, despite only lasting a total of 81 minutes, From Justin to Kelly (starring AI breakout stars Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini) managed to kill all pleasure within this or any other world where life may be possible.

2. The Rwandan Genocide

I mean, duh. This lasted 100 days and was a grade-A nightmare. Oh, and obviously more important than Randy Jackson being on American Idol for 12 years.

1. My Parents’ Marriage.

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.

The post 9 Things That Lasted a Shorter Amount of Time Yet Are Far More Interesting and Important Than Randy Jackson’s 12 Years on American Idol appeared first on Second City Network.

Waste not want not. How to stay fed on a budget.

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While doing a press conference, Joakim Noah and Nate Robinson find out Derrick Rose is back.

The post Joakim Noah, Nate Robinson Find out Derrick Rose is Back appeared first on Second City Network.

It’s time to celebrate the sunshine and warmer weather by staying inside and playing with yourself. May is National Masturbation Month, so here are some creative ways to get festive and throw a party for one!

Put Some Fruit in Your Looms

Farmer’s markets are back in full swing, so stock up on fresh produce that you can objectify. Whether you want to carve a hole in a watermelon or warm a banana peel in the microwave, your only limitations are your own imagination and monthly grocery budget.

Let Santa’s Secret Out of the Bag

Just ‘cause Christmas is in July doesn’t mean you can’t have a Secret Santa in May. Whip up a Facebook event and invite your friends over for a little sex toy swap*.

*New sex toys are ideal, but if you must re-gift, think about running them through the dishwasher first.

Do It Yourself: Homemade Lube Bill Cosby Can Get Behind

Ingredients:

• 1 cup water
• 1 cup baby oil
• 1 packet Jell-O (any flavor)

Method:

Toss ingredients into a blender, then go to town (with the lube, NOT the blender).

Get Naughty in Nature

Are you down with OPPs, but not STDs? Have a really hot friend that maybe has warts or herpes or something? Now’s the time to throw caution to the wind. Get drunk, get awkward, get outside and get to masturbating with them. No harm. No foul. No clinic visit needed.

Do the Reverse Seinfeld “Contest”

Make a pact with your friends. The person who cums the most by midnight on May 31st wins! (Entry fee is $100 for men, $150 for women.)

Phone a Friend

Just because you’re playing with yourself doesn’t mean you can’t still be social. Phone sex, sexting, Cam2Cam, circle jerks and Ookie Cookie are all ways to involve some of your nearest and dearest.

Make Mom’s Mother’s Day

It’s no coincidence that Mother’s Day falls right smack-dab in the middle of Masturbation Month! They need self loving just like the rest of us. Forego the seemingly obligatory brunch, and give Mother the afternoon to herself. We don’t want her thinking you forgot, so definitely get her a card that says something like, “Today, I want you to remember where I came from!”

Have a David Carradine Movie Marathon

Take a few hours out to remember those we’ve lost to masturbation. Thanks to Netflix, you can sit back, relax, maybe touch yourself a little bit, and watch some of David Carradine’s many classics, like Children of the Corn V, Lone Wolf McQuade or Kill Zone.

Tim Paul (@thatguytimpaul) has written and performed in shorts featured on such sites as Huffingtonpost.com, Gay.com, Queerty.com, Joemygod.blogspot.com & Towleroad.com. He is on the teaching faculty at both Second CIty & The Annoyance, but is probably most recognized for wearing an ugly Christmas sweater in a USPS commercial. thatguytimpaul.com

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