Ex-American Apparel CEO Dov Charney’s Resume

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DOV CHARNEY

dov@americanapparel.com

dov69@gmail.com

OBJECTIVE

To create a pleasurable work environment. Very pleasurable.

EXPERIENCE

1990 – 2004, Founder/CEO, American Apparel 

  • Pioneered line of fashionable, sweatshop-free clothing in downtown Los Angeles sweatshops
  • Designed non-traditional clothing pieces that real people couldn’t possibly consider wearing
  • Increased employee retention by offering raises and bonuses in exchange for not pressing charges
  • Slashed typography budget by only using Helvetica
  • Launched innovative, cost-saving marketing campaign by publishing unsolicited nude photos of models
  • Eliminated need for sexual harassment and sensitivity training by implementing terms like “sluts,” “whores” and “wannabe Jews” into the standard workplace vernacular
  • Sold $2 t-shirts for $60
  • Created industry-leading interview techniques through the use of masturbation
  • Maintained company-wide database of barely legal immigrants and teens
  • Frequently dropped pants to “show people MY new product” (A direct quote from my deposition tape!)

1970 – Present, Amateur Pornographer

  • Samples available upon request

SKILLS

  • Product Development – Marketing
  • Management – Self-Gratification
  • Alienation – Weirdo Mustaches
  • Microsoft Excel

PENIS

  • At least 7”
  • Samples available upon request.

AWARDS & ACCOLADES

2004, Entrepreneur of the Year, Ernst & Young

2004, Man of the Year, Apparel Magazine

2006, That Was Great! That Blonde Chick Behind the Counter

2008, Retailer of the Year, The Michael Awards

REFERENCES

“He’s not a moral monster.” –Allan Mayer, Board Member, American Apparel

“I thought it was almost normal.” –Irene Morales, Former Employee, American Apparel

“Just look at him.” –YUP Magazine

“Take my word for it: Dov’s a pro.” –Terry Richardson, Professional Photographer

“How much for a pair of socks?” –A Customer

VIDEO RESUME 

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