How to Drive Like a White Person
A recent ACLU report found that Illinois State Police and the Chicago Police Department are more prone to stopping and searching the cars of Latino and black drivers than they are white drivers. The best part of this racial profiling? These officers are finding less contraband on drivers of color than they are on the Caucasian drivers that they barely choose to pull over! Isn’t that wEiRd?
There are a lot of positive ways we can discuss race and profiling and be allies to those who are the victims of racism. One way I’m choosing to help is by giving those drivers who are pulled over for no other fucking reason than the color of their skin some pointers on how to drive like a white person and avoid being delayed on their way to work, or home, or doing whatever the hell else they want that involves minding their own business and driving a car.
WEAR A FEDORA
Nothing is more white than wearing a hat popularized by a ukelele-playing has-been pop star. Bonus points if you add a vest or Oakley sunglasses to look like a lame bug.
ADD A BUDDHA TO YOUR DASHBOARD
Only white people try this hard to prove that they’re accepting and “spiritual, but not religious, you know?” And the only way to do that is by suction-cupping a plastic novelty version of a religious symbol to their dash.
BLAST KATY PERRY FROM YOUR PRIUS
I’M COOL, I’M WHITE, I’M SAVING THE EARTH, AND I THEREFORE OWN THE AIRSPACE ON THIS ROOOOOAAAAAAAD!
DRINK (A SMOOTHIE) AND DRIVE!
A fresh-squeezed juice works too, as long as it’s green and you count it as your lone meal for the day.
STILL USE A BLUETOOTH
…and then go fuck yourself.
GET A NOVELTY BUMPER STICKER
You know, one that lets people know that you smoke weed or believe in unicorns or have a shit-ton of cats. Compliments any Ford Taurus!
AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS…
…just start driving for Lyft.
Julie Marchiano is a Featured Contributor to the Second City Network and an understudy to The Second City Touring Company. She is white, but people are usually confused by her dark hair. You can find out more about her at juliemarchiano.com or follow her on Twitter @juliemarchiano.