Please Don’t Leave Me for Switzerland, Walgreens!

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Dear Walgreens,

How could you do this to me? To US? I know things haven’t been as good as they used to be, but we’re on the up and up, baby. We’re good together. The variety and prices of the products in your aisles far surpasses those of other similar convenience stores. You always remember my birthday and celebrate it with half-off grills and silly Uncle Sam glitter hats. Your store employees barely grumble when I ask them to open the condom cases. But now you want to renounce your United States citizenship and move overseas? 

Ours is the best relationship I’ve ever been a part of, but I can’t open it up to other countries. We all know that “inversion” is really just a fancy technical term for “cuckold.”

I mean, I understand why you’re interested in Switzerland. They have the Alps, cool watches, great chocolate, bank accounts full of stolen money and can save you $4 billion dollars in taxes over the next five years. Who wouldn’t be interested in that kind of cash? If I could offer you something like that, don’t you think I would? 

I mean, I’ve cut you tax breaks for staying with me before, but I just can’t afford it right now. I’m busy working 60-hour weeks with only two weeks’ vacation. It only makes it worse that Switzerland seems entirely indifferent to imperialism, so I know he’ll be home more often than me. What if he becomes your #1, baby? What am I going to shout at NASCAR races?

I realize that our open relationship would keep the majority of jobs here, since a headquarters move is really only on paper. But I just can’t stomach you messing around with Switzerland–knowing that you’re not giving me part of yourself. It’s not possible to love me with all of your heart if you’re withholding $4 billion dollars from me. That’s not how corporations/love works! 

Officials are saying that if you decide to go ahead with this, I stand to lose others as well! You know how damaged I was when AbbVie and Aon left me. I can’t stand idly by and watch my family disintegrate in front of me. 

I know President Obama called you a “corporate deserter,” but he’s just upset, Walgreens. He doesn’t want dad to fool around with some young, hot blonde Swiss, even if he is away at college and won’t really be affected. Senator Dick Durbin still lives at home, and he’s the one you need to pay attention to. Young Dick just introduced a bill that would give tax breaks to companies that stay in the U.S., pay their employees well and give them health insurance. 

Please give me a chance to show you that I can be the country you want me to be. 

I know that we won’t be able to fix our relationship overnight. My tax codes have left me vulnerable to competition, and I don’t think I can drastically reduce the 35% corporate tax rate any time soon. But please stick with me, Walgreens. I can’t go to CVS. They charge too much for gummy bears.

I’ll be standing outside on the corner of Happy & Healthy whenever you’re ready to talk. I’ll be the one blasting “In Your Eyes” from my boombox.

Love,

The United States of America

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the humor site The Other Otter and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.

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