The American Gal’s Guide to Wearing the Flag

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It’s America’s birthday! So, how should all you trendy girls celebrate? Why, by wearing the American flag on your body in some never-before seen-way! Here are 11 women for you to look to for 4th of July fashion inspiration.

The Recent Graduate

She will sport the flag as a dress. OMG, you’ve never thought of this before? She’s going to  wrap it around her size 2 ½ body (college really packed on the lbs, amirite?) and cinch it with a belt. UMMMM, CHECK PLEASE! I smell an Instagram photoshoot coming…

The Hipster Waitress

She’ll make the stars and stripes into an arm band. It’s amazing how she’s managed to get that huge-ass flag around her super-tattooed arm, but she did it. She will serve you your vegan burger and sweet potato fries, all while secretly judging you and how you blindly follow and conform to society’s antiquated traditions and expectations. But come see her band at the Double Door next Friday.

The Wrigleyville Regular 

We all know her as the girl who can be found yelling most Friday nights at her now ex-boyfriend on Clark Street— or with her hands permanently above her head during Cubs season. She’s creative, innovative and practical… the flag serves as her bra. She’s made it so she can show off her belly but still keep the girls in when she booty dances at John Barleycorn. Come 2 pm, you’ll find her in the streets yelling at her new boyfriend. But that bra is looking right, y’all! 

Her catchphrase: “AMERICA, EFF YEAH! SERIOUSLY, DANIEL! I JUST WANTED A SWEET TEA VODKA. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?”

The Suburban Mom

She sees the American flag more like a belt that keeps her family close and her unhappiness closer. She will wrap it around her mom jeans, tuck in that Ralph Lauren collared shirt, and make the best damn potato salad for the neighborhood picnic. She and Travis just loooove celebrating the birth of their nation, and The Good Lord knows they are #blessed, because Freedom is not Free and she isn’t dreaming of a day that she is banging the hot single neighbor. 

The Single Mom 

She turns the flag into a halter top. Just because she has kids doesn’t mean she has to stop living, and she is not afraid to show of that scar from her cesarean #MOMSTRONG. It will be low-cut, as to show off her super perky boobs–THEY ARE STILL PERKY. One of said boobs will (accidentally?) pop out of the halter top in front of her son’s college-aged volunteer soccer coach… whoops!

The Professional Day Drinker

Underwear. This planner-gal wraps that shit around her so she doesn’t have to worry about bathroom lines after she crushes her third bottle of champagne. 

That One Weird Poor Dear

She’s just sporting this year’s Old Navy USA shirt. You know, the $5 one? The one with just an American flag, the number “2014” and “Old Navy” printed on it? The one like you wore in 1997 (but with “1997” on it)? Yeah, it’s her new Friday Shirt. 

The Prom Queen-Turned-Sorority Girl Home for the Summer to Nanny

The flag is her headband tied in the front— to give it some flare. It makes her head look super skinny when paired with those bug-looking sunglasses she bought last week. The rest of her outfit is a piece of cloth that covers her bathing suit parts. She’s done her hair perfectly and caked on enough makeup to survive the inevitable 4th of July sweat extravaganza.

The Visitor

The non-Chicago native is an idiot and thinks she can just get away with wearing the colors red, white and blue. Go home.

Your Grandmother

Somehow she has been able to decorate her light blue sweatshirt with an iron-on flag, puff paint, and pictures of (American) kittens. She will sit in her tailgate chair, drink her blush wine (that you call “rosé), and tell you how easy you have it. She’s right… so let her have her moment and remember that she’s a badass! 

The Law/Med Student 

She is just happy to be in the daylight and to remember what it is like to be a human. She’ll show up looking very nice, with a flag pin on their red and white striped sundress. After passing out from binge drinking, she will use the American flag as a blanket. Don’t feel bad for her; she is about to make a lot of money…. approximately, 10 times more than you. #freedom 

Becca Taubel has worn the American flag in all of the above fashions. This article was mostly for her to sort through her identity crisis. This year, you can find her in an American flag unitard. The 4th of July is her Super Bowl. Everybody now, USA USA USA!

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