5 Things You Missed About Taking Cabs

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Calm down, UberX and Lyft fanatics.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn just vetoed a bill that would have essentially disbarred the city’s ride-sharing services, drawing a big thumbs down from cab drivers. Remember those guys? They sure hope you do.

Here are 5 things you missed about taking cabs. Admit it.

Battling for Your Driver’s Attention While He Yells Into a Blue Tooth

Cabs are the best place to practice your assertive skills. You have the opportunity to shout directions at your cab driver five, maybe six times while he expressly ignores you. Equally rewarding is the “is he talking to me?” guessing game you two play in the latter half of the ride, usually in the form of an indiscernible question barked at you repeatedly until you realize he’s trying to get your attention. Regardless of your answer, you infuriate him, and he will mutter under his breath and drive erratically for the remainder of the trip. 

Keeping up on World Politics 

Man oh man, there is nothing I love more at 2am when I’m seven beers deep than an in-depth conversation about civil unrest in Tunisia.  That keeps my buzz going hard. In fact, the only topic I love more is discussing the vulnerability of liberalizing regimes in Algeria and eastern Morocco. Cab drivers love thoughtful banter and challenging opinions, so make sure to really push your point of view. They’ll welcome the debate.

The Variety of Payment Options

Enjoy the luxury of choosing between cash or getting reamed out for paying with the completely legal and fully advertised credit card option. You’ll love how the driver swipes your card twelve to thirteen times, just to make sure he got it. He will probably double-charge you by mistake, and somehow your Ventra account will also be inexplicably debited. Don’t forget to tip. 

The Inability to Report Punishable Behavior Effectively

Void of customer service representatives or  voicemail, calling a cab company is a fun trip back to 1953. If you do happen to reach someone, it will almost certainly be another cab driver, who will dutifully pretend to write down your complaint and assure you that he will look into it. He may even put you on hold for dramatic effect. There is no finer way to spend fifteen minutes accomplishing nothing.  

Vinyl Seats that Make Your Butt Cheeks Sweat 

Yum yum duck butter hell yeah. 

So congrats, UberX and Lyft. You win… this time. Because if there’s anything that makes an overpriced car ride through Wrigleyville better, it’s a driver with no sense of direction and bags of candy is his glove compartment. To be fair, I admire their devotion to Google Maps and their complete inability to learn the city grid.

For fun, download the “Hey, You Missed My Turn” Bingo Sheet and play with your friends!

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Erin Lann is an understudy to The Second City Touring Company. She is a cast member of Improv All Stars, Annoyance Theater Houe Ensemble and at Laugh Out Loud Theater. Follow her on Twitter @erinlann.