Watch Out for These 11 Types at Lollapalooza

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Friends, Romans, dudes in bucket hats, lend me your vintage Tears for Fears t-shirts, for Lollapalooza is finally here!

This weekend, Chicago’s Grant Park will be overrun by the hippest Chicagoans (and tourists) looking to drink expensive beer and get sunburned while watching some of today’s hottest musical acts.

Since the only thing more exciting than the music will be the people watching, here are 11 types of people to look out for while pretending to enjoy Kings of Leon.

11. DAD ROCKERS

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These are the dudes you usually see in Logan Square or Roscoe Village pushing strollers mid-day. They have shaggy hair and somehow gained five pounds of muscle after having a baby girl named Arya. And their band is totally going on tour again once she’s in kindergarten, seriously, dudes.

Usually seen: With a model-hot wife in a sundress and a toddler dressed better than you

10. ENTHUSIASTIC AIR DRUMMERS

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Although Enthusiastic Air Drummers can be both sexes, they are typically men. You will usually notice them due to their flailing arms or the fact that no one will stand next to them.  Fun fact: they never know the music they air drum to, so make sure to watch them during the final few moments of a song. Their awkward “wind down” is food for the soul.

Usually seen: Carrying a freebie backpack from Marquette University filled with sunscreen, condoms and an EpiPen

9. FASHIONISTAS

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Lollapalooza is covered heavily by fashion bloggers, whether they represent Elle.com or someone’s well-designed Tumblr. Look out for people with multiple braids (Medusa-style) wearing Birkenstocks with socks. Yup, those are the cool kids now.

Usually seen: With a similarly dressed crew—aside from one normal-looking friend in a polka dot Forever 21 dress

8. RIVER NORTH DOUCHEBAGS

Jay Cutler

These guys spend $250 on a weekend festival “just because,” and also happen to be named Trey. Plus, they know all of the wrong lyrics to every song, and like to sing them directly into your ears no matter where you are standing.

Usually seen: Spilling three cups of beer on you while he pumps his fist during a slow song

7. PSEUDO-HIPSTERS

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Even though Chvrches is playing the fest, the Pseudo-Hipster came to Lollapalooza to see Childish Gambino (“the only rapper I like”) and Foster the People. There is usually one thing “off” about an otherwise “hip” outfit.

Usually seen: Wearing a waist belt positioned too close to her bra-line, accompanied by a gang of guys in graphic tees

6. RICH SKATEBOARDING TEENS

Teenager Skateboarding

These kids travel in packs of 20 and only like rap music and Skrillex. They also have the best weed, so….

Usually seen: With an endless supply of cash and a gaggle of giggling teenage girls

5. CHILDREN DRINKING VODKA OUT OF WATER BOTTLES

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Drinking vodka out of an Ice Mountain water bottle is the new rite of passage for today’s teen. I once saw a 14-year-old in a tube top dress smuggle alcohol using the gap between her thighs. I think she’s married to the president now.

Usually seen: Drunk and crying on her cell phone, saying, “where’s Lisa?!”

4. ZOMBIES

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These are the festival-goers who combined so many drugs that now they’re just kind of neutral. Even though they might be covered in blood and hobbling around Walking Dead-style, they’re completely harmless. Just push them in the direction of the First Aid tent and get yourself a celebratory lobster corn dog.

Usually seen: Staggering between stages with gigantic pupils

3. GATE CRASHERS

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These kids travel in packs of 20 and only like rap music and Skrillex. They also have just-okay weed, so….

Usually seen: Bragging about jumping the gate to their rich friends

2. COLD TOAST

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This is just a fancy term for “the most average-looking person you can think of.” Expect Cold Toast to tell you his or her name three times and then try to ask you what your college major was. You won’t notice Cold Toast, but you will feel their body heat as 5,000 of them press against your every pore. They’re also the reason Eminem is headlining.

Usually seen: With other white people from Loyola University

1. NICK VIALL

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The Bachelorette runner-up is from Chicago, works in sales, and wears pretty tight pants, so chances are he’ll be there. He might even be ready to do “fiance-type” stuff again, just so long as you don’t write “you’ll find love again someday” on all of his Instagram selfies.

Usually seen: Holding a suitcase full of henley tees

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the humor site The Other Otter and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.

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